Depression and hitting the lottery

From the recent newsletter :  

Hey y’all!  Did ya miss me??? ;)  

I swear I did NOT fall off the face of the earth, but I sure tried to. 

Let me backtrack a bit…

You might recall I started this thing called the LEAP protocol about a month or so before Christmas.  As you know, if you’ve been reading these newsletters, I did amazing on it.  I lost 15 pounds in 5 weeks and many of my health issues that had been plaguing me vanished. 

But, as humans do, I struggled with the temptations of the holidays. And I fell victim to stress!  

>> Holy balls, it was stressful this year. <<

I am a single mom now.  And in addition to trying to grow my nutrition business, primarily raising two kids, care for two pets and manage a household, I run a seasonal company that gets super busy during the holidays.  I am also working part time to help support these crazy kids, and in the meantime attempting to be healthy by exercising and cooking everything from scratch! Oh, and I really, really hate winter. So you can say I lost my marbles a bit and ate my face off for a few weeks, thinking I’d hop right back on the LEAP train after the holidays were over.  

But the holidays came and went and I was getting deeper and deeper into depression. Like, woah. If you saw the video I posted on my facebook page, you already know I had become pretty suicidal.  It got really bad.  I wanted desperately to just end my “horrible” life. Of course logically I knew it would pass, but when you get into that dark of a space, it doesn’t matter. You can really only feel sad and worthless. You don’t want to talk to anyone. You don’t want anyone to help you.  I was convinced that I was a waste of breath and I actually found myself mad at my kids because they were what was preventing me from following through with it.  

Yep.  

My finances sucked. My romantic relationships were in the shitter. I was betrayed by someone I deeply loved and trusted. I had gained some weight back and didn’t think I’d ever get back on track. I was getting nowhere with my business. I was cold and miserable and my kids were eating Doritos for breakfast.  What was the point of going on? I was clearly failing at all the things.

But.

But…

There was that damn voice inside me. Telling me crazy shit like, “It’s all going to be fine.  I’ve got you.” and “You’re amazing and capable and need to be alive so you can change the world.”  I tried to ignore the voice as best as I could. I drank. I ate. I cried. I slept.  But, in the long run, obviously, that inner voice won. 

>> That fucker is relentless. << 

I finally got the courage to see my doctor. You should know that I am NOT a fan of prescription drugs.  I only take a natural thyroid medication and normally would recommend doing everything possible to avoid going on prescriptions (in fact, part of my work as a nutritionist is to get people OFF their medications), however, in this case it was literally life or death.   I started taking a new medication for anxiety and depression and within a week I was starting to breathe again. I wasn’t suffocating under my own heaviness anymore.  I started going to the gym.  I managed to get there 5 days, despite still struggling a little and hating the cold weather.  One week became two, and then two became three and next thing you know my business is on fire, my finances took a miraculous (i’m talking MIRACLES here, people) turn for the better, i’m back to losing weight, my personal relationships are better than EVER and my kids are only eating Doritos as snacks now. (hey! baby steps, people!) 

Once the deep depression subsided, I remember at one point I was lying on the bathroom floor, just allowing all the feelings to wash over me. And, I started cry-laughing hysterically. 

>> I wondered if I had officially gone crazy.  <<

Or had I just had the biggest realization of my life?  This overwhelming feeling of peace hit me like a ton of bricks and I remember thinking..no, KNOWING….that God (universe...divine...whatever you want to call it) has me. He’s holding me tight. Always has. Always will. And I can let go now.

Trust.

Love.

Be.

Everything is working out SO much better than I could have ever dreamed!

Happiness.

Faith.

Gratitude.

Now that the dust has settled and I’m on a regular schedule at the gym, I started back on the LEAP protocol.  I truly did feel amazing on it.  And I’m still studying to get certified as a LEAP therapist. So that’s all still a go!  But sometimes you just need to pause. Slow down and catch your breath.  And once you’re ready…hop back on that train.  

P.S. What's the lottery got to do with anything??, I didn't hit the lottery, but lately my life sure feels like I did!  Happiness, love, amazing friends, beautiful opportunities and a rich life full of magic….feels like hitting the lottery to me!  ;)

Food is heroine. And other fun stuff.

This was written about 3 1/2 years ago.  I no longer struggle like this, but it was very real at the time.  It's sad that food has this effect. I would love to know your thoughts in the comments!

Recently I’ve had some time to reflect.  I’ve always liked looking at both sides of an issue, but rarely ever get to actually feel both sides of an issue.

For example, I’ve been on antidepressants before, and knew that at that time I didn’t have a choice.  I felt like it was the only logical next step in a roller coaster situation that I knew nothing about.  Fast forward thirteen years later, and I know more about hashimotos thyroiditis and depression than I ever wanted to know.  I haven’t taken antidepressants in twelve years, and am doing everything in my power to avoid it.  However, since I had been on them, and also felt like I needed to be on them at the time, I can truly feel both sides of that issue.  While I believe you can stay off of antidepressants, and can certainly get off of them if you’re already on them, I do value that they are absolutely life saving in certain specific circumstances.  Had I never been on them, I may not have ever been able to have the sympathy that I do have for those people truly in need of some medically assisted mood lifting. 

Similarly, now that I have sore ankles, and aching knees, and tight muscles – all from not eating right and not exercising – I am seeing a new side to a different issue. I’ve made judgments. I’m not proud of them. I’ve seen overweight people in a motorized shopping cart and thought, “How lazy.”  I never once gave a thought that it may be beyond their own control.

I also have a friend with a sister who has MS. I’ve tried to help in any way that I can by researching for her. We’ve stumbled across a few articles that indicate eliminating artificial sweeteners, and potentially even gluten, can have enormous positive effects on MS symptoms.  She tried giving up her beloved Diet Coke for a weekend, only to surrender to its grip before 24 hours was up.  Her words were essentially, “I’d rather die than give up my diet coke.”

Who wouldn’t cringe a little when hearing those words?  Who in their right mind would ever even say those words?  How could you possibly ever put food above your health?  Or putting diet coke above a life without a mother for your kids?

But, here I am.  Weighing in at a life altering 193, with pains, and critical health issues that could easily lead to my death, or at the very least a less than full life. I have chosen cheetos over my very own life.

I am no different than those people I have judged. I can feel both sides.

If you’re 20 pounds overweight, or 200 pounds overweight, what really is the difference?  Where does that line stop? If I can’t stop eating these foods that are slowly killing me, then who’s to say I won’t be the one riding that motorized cart? I’ll be the one holding up the line at the zoo, because I had to lean on the railing and catch my breath after 3 stairs. 

Where does that change occur, and how the hell do we stop it?  I’m serious. I’ve been working out with a trainer. I have all the skills and recipes it takes to be a healthy eater. I am a great cook. I’ve eaten healthy and organically and maintained a fairly decent weight for most of my life, and yet here I am again. And, there I was today.  Like a crack addict.  I may as well be a heroin addict with a needle dangling from my arm, the way I ransacked my house looking for a hit.  Ooh! A stash of skittles….a mini crackle bar from Halloween…laffy taffy will even do the trick in a pinch. I glanced around corners, making sure my husband wasn’t looking.  I shoved that candy bar entirely into my mouth and instantly felt the drug coursing through my body. 

First, it’s the frantic search for the drug your body is screaming at you to find. Your brain has convinced you somehow, any way possible, to go looking for it.  

Next, it’s the sneaking. Making noises to drown out the sound of wrappers being opened.  Or, you hide in a room far from everyone else and down the goods before they know you’re missing.  Hiding the wrappers is an art all its own. I’m really good at hiding my traces. It scares me.

Then finally, it’s the glazed over look in the eyes, after the drug has entered the body. You relax. You smile. You feel good. For a moment.

The most hysterical thing?  Right after you’ve eaten something…while the drug is still in your blood stream…you say to yourself “That’s it. I’m never. doing. this. again!!”  

Cut to two hours later when the drug is leaving your system, and you’re digging in the bottom of the fucking garbage can again, for that little bit of chocolate you thought you were done with.