Touch me fall

Ok so that title has practically nothing to do with this particular blog, but I do have Indigo Girls playing on vinyl as I type this, so work with me here.  

To say I’ve had a pretty stressful month is quite the understatement. I can’t go into too many details but let’s just say it’s been bad.  Like, alcoholic-inducing, is 2018 trying to kill me bad.

I’ve been in somewhat of a fight or flight mode for weeks.  Running on air with no time to chill. I don’t know if it’s because I’m an only child or because I’m an introvert (or am i an introvert because i am an only child???) but I NEED my alone time.  Lots of it. Introverts, do ya feel me? It’s not like, “Ooh I just want to be home.” It’s literally I can’t function if I don’t recharge my batteries….at my own home….alone as can be.  As a single mom that’s hard enough most days. But these last few weeks have made it nearly impossible.

SO I decided a few days ago to make today a down day.  I had to cancel some plans and rearrange a few things but I was determined to have NO REASON to leave the house.  Of course that immediately means everyone and their grandma wants plans with me all of a sudden.  Including one guy I was supposed to go on a date with. We had rescheduled a few times already so I knew when I told him no (again) it would be an issue. And it was.  But I stuck to mah guns and said no anyway.  And holy shit am I glad I did.

For one thing, it was the best day ever. I got myself some starbucks. Grabbed some groceries.  Worked around the house a bit. Lit some candles. Listened to Indigo Girls and Patty Griffin on vinyl. Ordered an area rug. Read some much neglected books.  HEAVEN. 

And for two, he really showed his true colors as far as I’m concerned.  He knows what kind of stress I’ve been dealing with and anyone with a heart should have said, “I totally get it. You’ve been through a lot. I’m here if you need me” instead of cutting all ties/unfriending me like a big baby. A BIG baby, I tell ya. (Single ladies, watch for these kinds of red flags. They tell you a lot about what he’ll be like in the future.)

NO ONE should ever make you feel bad for taking some down time to regroup and reenergize.   In fact if someone truly cares about you they should recognize your need for it and make sure you’re getting it in.  Especially introverts. I truly believe realizing I was an introvert and then really focusing on allowing myself alone time on a regular basis has made all the difference in the world with my ability to cope with all the things. 

When we operate under constant stress, we're bound to burn out.  Taking some down time isn't just good for you, it helps you be your best for everyone around you.  It's a win-win if ever there was one.

So, take my advice and listen to your soul.  Pick a day.  Say no a whole bunch. (Do not feel guilty about it!) Do your favorite things. And breathe.  xoxo

Broken Open

I read my first Elizabeth Lesser book, Broken Open, about 10 years ago when my marriage was in the beginning stages of the end.  I fell madly in love with her words. They struck me right in the feels and spoke perfectly what I had been unable to put into words myself.  I went on to buy The Seeker’s Guide by Lesser as well, but it didn’t resonate with me at the time, it was like it was written in a foreign language, so I put it aside.  A year later, I saw it sitting there as I was walking outside to enjoy the spring weather the best way I know how….with hot tea and a book! As I began reading the book this time, every. single. word was exactly what I needed to hear. I now consider it my bible. Nearly every page is dog eared/highlighted/written in….talk about getting the lesson when you’re ready to learn!

Fast forward through a few more self-help books, a handful of years, lots of tears and several relationships. I’ve been divorced 3 years but just now really grasping the meaning of being broken open.  

My most recent relationship was without a doubt the most intense one of my life.  It was a short one, in the grand scheme of things, only a year and 3 months, but the depth of love I gave and felt were unmatched.  He was my home.  He was my “lobster” (supposedly they mate for life….or one year and 3 months in this case) ;) He was the ever elusive “one” that we all seek on some level. 

Or so I thought.

Without going into much detail, that relationship came to an extremely abrupt end.  Not only did it end unexpectedly, he was in a “facebook official” relationship merely 10 days later.  Believe me, I would love to just rant and rant about my feelings towards that situation, but that’s not the point of this writing today. Perhaps I’ll save that for another time.  :)

Today I want to focus on the being broken open part of this lesson.  And it is a lesson. The very best, most magical lesson I could have ever asked for.  It’s so cliche, but you really do find the blessing in the breaking.  Because my ex was my life…my future…when he was no longer there, I truly believe I died in some way.  I actually did pray for death for several days.  Dramatic much?  But really….my heart just gave up.  It went black.  I was never going to love again. I no longer believed in love or “the one”. In fact the thought of all that made me sick to my stomach.  I cried and ached and yelled and hated and grasped at ANY form of reality that could explain any of this. But in the end…there was nothing.  I was dead inside.  I was broken.  

Until…I broke WIDE OPEN.  

You see, there comes a moment during a painful time where you have to choose.  You choose to die and give up or you choose to live the brightest you ever could!  I dug deep. I turned to christian music for the first time in years. Not because I was specifically looking for God but because all the other dumb stations were about dating and love and putting a ring on it and that was just too barf-orama for me during that time.

The first song I heard was one by Casting Crowns called Just be held.  The lyrics that grabbed me and shook me awake were:

“So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held”

Man.  

I was vacuuming at the time. I remember it clearly.  I stopped dead in my tracks and just bawled my fool head off.  CLEAR OFF.  Bawled it right off my body.  I let the words sink in.  My world wasn’t falling apart….it was falling into place.  And i just needed to let GOD hold me.  And lemme tell ya…until then I was not exactly a “God person”.  Sure I sorta believed but it wasn’t until that moment that I accepted without any doubt whatsoever that he was there. And he was holding my broken pieces for me…waiting for me to be ready to be whole again.

Fast forward 7 months and not only have I picked those pieces up, I have fused them back together with the shiniest, most magical love of all time.  I finally found “the one” and it’s not who I ever expected.  But it’s exactly who I needed.

I personally believe that God is inside each of us, so when I fell in love with God again, I also fell in love with myself for the first time. You see, I had to…LITERALLY HAD TO… go through that amazing relationship and have it end in that EXACT SAME WAY for me to break apart and crack so open that all of me spilled out onto the floor so I could see myself for the very first time.  For really real.  

For realzies.

I saw the crazy. I saw the passion. I saw the “over-thinker” and the woman. I saw the child and the lover and I saw the real me and I fell madly in love with every single bit.  How could I not?  I’m the only me I have.  

Being Broken Open was the greatest gift of my life. Things are much different now. I feel like I was reborn.  I walk through the world much more aware of my feelings and I’m much more sensitive to emotions. I guard my heart a little more. I protect myself from negative people and people who want to use me for my good.  I feel more connected to this world and yet up above it at the same time.  I’m thankful for my journey and feel like the luckiest girl alive.  

I hope your breakdowns bring you blessings too. xoxo

Depression and hitting the lottery

From the recent newsletter :  

Hey y’all!  Did ya miss me??? ;)  

I swear I did NOT fall off the face of the earth, but I sure tried to. 

Let me backtrack a bit…

You might recall I started this thing called the LEAP protocol about a month or so before Christmas.  As you know, if you’ve been reading these newsletters, I did amazing on it.  I lost 15 pounds in 5 weeks and many of my health issues that had been plaguing me vanished. 

But, as humans do, I struggled with the temptations of the holidays. And I fell victim to stress!  

>> Holy balls, it was stressful this year. <<

I am a single mom now.  And in addition to trying to grow my nutrition business, primarily raising two kids, care for two pets and manage a household, I run a seasonal company that gets super busy during the holidays.  I am also working part time to help support these crazy kids, and in the meantime attempting to be healthy by exercising and cooking everything from scratch! Oh, and I really, really hate winter. So you can say I lost my marbles a bit and ate my face off for a few weeks, thinking I’d hop right back on the LEAP train after the holidays were over.  

But the holidays came and went and I was getting deeper and deeper into depression. Like, woah. If you saw the video I posted on my facebook page, you already know I had become pretty suicidal.  It got really bad.  I wanted desperately to just end my “horrible” life. Of course logically I knew it would pass, but when you get into that dark of a space, it doesn’t matter. You can really only feel sad and worthless. You don’t want to talk to anyone. You don’t want anyone to help you.  I was convinced that I was a waste of breath and I actually found myself mad at my kids because they were what was preventing me from following through with it.  

Yep.  

My finances sucked. My romantic relationships were in the shitter. I was betrayed by someone I deeply loved and trusted. I had gained some weight back and didn’t think I’d ever get back on track. I was getting nowhere with my business. I was cold and miserable and my kids were eating Doritos for breakfast.  What was the point of going on? I was clearly failing at all the things.

But.

But…

There was that damn voice inside me. Telling me crazy shit like, “It’s all going to be fine.  I’ve got you.” and “You’re amazing and capable and need to be alive so you can change the world.”  I tried to ignore the voice as best as I could. I drank. I ate. I cried. I slept.  But, in the long run, obviously, that inner voice won. 

>> That fucker is relentless. << 

I finally got the courage to see my doctor. You should know that I am NOT a fan of prescription drugs.  I only take a natural thyroid medication and normally would recommend doing everything possible to avoid going on prescriptions (in fact, part of my work as a nutritionist is to get people OFF their medications), however, in this case it was literally life or death.   I started taking a new medication for anxiety and depression and within a week I was starting to breathe again. I wasn’t suffocating under my own heaviness anymore.  I started going to the gym.  I managed to get there 5 days, despite still struggling a little and hating the cold weather.  One week became two, and then two became three and next thing you know my business is on fire, my finances took a miraculous (i’m talking MIRACLES here, people) turn for the better, i’m back to losing weight, my personal relationships are better than EVER and my kids are only eating Doritos as snacks now. (hey! baby steps, people!) 

Once the deep depression subsided, I remember at one point I was lying on the bathroom floor, just allowing all the feelings to wash over me. And, I started cry-laughing hysterically. 

>> I wondered if I had officially gone crazy.  <<

Or had I just had the biggest realization of my life?  This overwhelming feeling of peace hit me like a ton of bricks and I remember thinking..no, KNOWING….that God (universe...divine...whatever you want to call it) has me. He’s holding me tight. Always has. Always will. And I can let go now.

Trust.

Love.

Be.

Everything is working out SO much better than I could have ever dreamed!

Happiness.

Faith.

Gratitude.

Now that the dust has settled and I’m on a regular schedule at the gym, I started back on the LEAP protocol.  I truly did feel amazing on it.  And I’m still studying to get certified as a LEAP therapist. So that’s all still a go!  But sometimes you just need to pause. Slow down and catch your breath.  And once you’re ready…hop back on that train.  

P.S. What's the lottery got to do with anything??, I didn't hit the lottery, but lately my life sure feels like I did!  Happiness, love, amazing friends, beautiful opportunities and a rich life full of magic….feels like hitting the lottery to me!  ;)

Food is heroine. And other fun stuff.

This was written about 3 1/2 years ago.  I no longer struggle like this, but it was very real at the time.  It's sad that food has this effect. I would love to know your thoughts in the comments!

Recently I’ve had some time to reflect.  I’ve always liked looking at both sides of an issue, but rarely ever get to actually feel both sides of an issue.

For example, I’ve been on antidepressants before, and knew that at that time I didn’t have a choice.  I felt like it was the only logical next step in a roller coaster situation that I knew nothing about.  Fast forward thirteen years later, and I know more about hashimotos thyroiditis and depression than I ever wanted to know.  I haven’t taken antidepressants in twelve years, and am doing everything in my power to avoid it.  However, since I had been on them, and also felt like I needed to be on them at the time, I can truly feel both sides of that issue.  While I believe you can stay off of antidepressants, and can certainly get off of them if you’re already on them, I do value that they are absolutely life saving in certain specific circumstances.  Had I never been on them, I may not have ever been able to have the sympathy that I do have for those people truly in need of some medically assisted mood lifting. 

Similarly, now that I have sore ankles, and aching knees, and tight muscles – all from not eating right and not exercising – I am seeing a new side to a different issue. I’ve made judgments. I’m not proud of them. I’ve seen overweight people in a motorized shopping cart and thought, “How lazy.”  I never once gave a thought that it may be beyond their own control.

I also have a friend with a sister who has MS. I’ve tried to help in any way that I can by researching for her. We’ve stumbled across a few articles that indicate eliminating artificial sweeteners, and potentially even gluten, can have enormous positive effects on MS symptoms.  She tried giving up her beloved Diet Coke for a weekend, only to surrender to its grip before 24 hours was up.  Her words were essentially, “I’d rather die than give up my diet coke.”

Who wouldn’t cringe a little when hearing those words?  Who in their right mind would ever even say those words?  How could you possibly ever put food above your health?  Or putting diet coke above a life without a mother for your kids?

But, here I am.  Weighing in at a life altering 193, with pains, and critical health issues that could easily lead to my death, or at the very least a less than full life. I have chosen cheetos over my very own life.

I am no different than those people I have judged. I can feel both sides.

If you’re 20 pounds overweight, or 200 pounds overweight, what really is the difference?  Where does that line stop? If I can’t stop eating these foods that are slowly killing me, then who’s to say I won’t be the one riding that motorized cart? I’ll be the one holding up the line at the zoo, because I had to lean on the railing and catch my breath after 3 stairs. 

Where does that change occur, and how the hell do we stop it?  I’m serious. I’ve been working out with a trainer. I have all the skills and recipes it takes to be a healthy eater. I am a great cook. I’ve eaten healthy and organically and maintained a fairly decent weight for most of my life, and yet here I am again. And, there I was today.  Like a crack addict.  I may as well be a heroin addict with a needle dangling from my arm, the way I ransacked my house looking for a hit.  Ooh! A stash of skittles….a mini crackle bar from Halloween…laffy taffy will even do the trick in a pinch. I glanced around corners, making sure my husband wasn’t looking.  I shoved that candy bar entirely into my mouth and instantly felt the drug coursing through my body. 

First, it’s the frantic search for the drug your body is screaming at you to find. Your brain has convinced you somehow, any way possible, to go looking for it.  

Next, it’s the sneaking. Making noises to drown out the sound of wrappers being opened.  Or, you hide in a room far from everyone else and down the goods before they know you’re missing.  Hiding the wrappers is an art all its own. I’m really good at hiding my traces. It scares me.

Then finally, it’s the glazed over look in the eyes, after the drug has entered the body. You relax. You smile. You feel good. For a moment.

The most hysterical thing?  Right after you’ve eaten something…while the drug is still in your blood stream…you say to yourself “That’s it. I’m never. doing. this. again!!”  

Cut to two hours later when the drug is leaving your system, and you’re digging in the bottom of the fucking garbage can again, for that little bit of chocolate you thought you were done with. 

Life is over at 41. Or is it just beginning?

Yesterday I was reading some comments in a facebook thread and saw someone ask if, at age 41, they could still make a change in their lifestyle/body/health.  I sat there staring at that question for a moment, somewhat in disbelief.

You see, I have worked with clients much older than 41 who not only turned their life around by beginning a healthy eating journey, but they lost weight, were able to get off medications they had been on for years, and some even completed marathons for the first time ever. I also have an amazing dad who, at age 86, still drives to town to play cards with his friends, mows the yard, cooks, does laundry, gardens, and kicks butt at crossword puzzles.  It will always be ingrained into my way of thinking that we have the power to change, to be the best version of ourselves, at any given moment in our lives. I don’t care if you’re 41, 61, or 81!  One thing is for sure, you’ll never find out if you don’t try! 

So, when I saw that question and it dawned on me that not everyone thinks like I do, I thought I would give you a little confidence to try, no matter what age you are.  I’m going to be 41 in a little over a month, and I have the utmost confidence that I am going to be a bad ass 41 year old, and I will still be pushing myself and reaching for new goals at 91.  What about you?  Have you started your journey to your healthiest body yet?

I say, eat clean, exercise and be as open minded, positive and loving as you can possibly be! Never stop improving yourself.  Take baby steps at first if you feel overwhelmed. You have plenty of time to get there.  <3