Touch me fall

Ok so that title has practically nothing to do with this particular blog, but I do have Indigo Girls playing on vinyl as I type this, so work with me here.  

To say I’ve had a pretty stressful month is quite the understatement. I can’t go into too many details but let’s just say it’s been bad.  Like, alcoholic-inducing, is 2018 trying to kill me bad.

I’ve been in somewhat of a fight or flight mode for weeks.  Running on air with no time to chill. I don’t know if it’s because I’m an only child or because I’m an introvert (or am i an introvert because i am an only child???) but I NEED my alone time.  Lots of it. Introverts, do ya feel me? It’s not like, “Ooh I just want to be home.” It’s literally I can’t function if I don’t recharge my batteries….at my own home….alone as can be.  As a single mom that’s hard enough most days. But these last few weeks have made it nearly impossible.

SO I decided a few days ago to make today a down day.  I had to cancel some plans and rearrange a few things but I was determined to have NO REASON to leave the house.  Of course that immediately means everyone and their grandma wants plans with me all of a sudden.  Including one guy I was supposed to go on a date with. We had rescheduled a few times already so I knew when I told him no (again) it would be an issue. And it was.  But I stuck to mah guns and said no anyway.  And holy shit am I glad I did.

For one thing, it was the best day ever. I got myself some starbucks. Grabbed some groceries.  Worked around the house a bit. Lit some candles. Listened to Indigo Girls and Patty Griffin on vinyl. Ordered an area rug. Read some much neglected books.  HEAVEN. 

And for two, he really showed his true colors as far as I’m concerned.  He knows what kind of stress I’ve been dealing with and anyone with a heart should have said, “I totally get it. You’ve been through a lot. I’m here if you need me” instead of cutting all ties/unfriending me like a big baby. A BIG baby, I tell ya. (Single ladies, watch for these kinds of red flags. They tell you a lot about what he’ll be like in the future.)

NO ONE should ever make you feel bad for taking some down time to regroup and reenergize.   In fact if someone truly cares about you they should recognize your need for it and make sure you’re getting it in.  Especially introverts. I truly believe realizing I was an introvert and then really focusing on allowing myself alone time on a regular basis has made all the difference in the world with my ability to cope with all the things. 

When we operate under constant stress, we're bound to burn out.  Taking some down time isn't just good for you, it helps you be your best for everyone around you.  It's a win-win if ever there was one.

So, take my advice and listen to your soul.  Pick a day.  Say no a whole bunch. (Do not feel guilty about it!) Do your favorite things. And breathe.  xoxo

Broken Open

I read my first Elizabeth Lesser book, Broken Open, about 10 years ago when my marriage was in the beginning stages of the end.  I fell madly in love with her words. They struck me right in the feels and spoke perfectly what I had been unable to put into words myself.  I went on to buy The Seeker’s Guide by Lesser as well, but it didn’t resonate with me at the time, it was like it was written in a foreign language, so I put it aside.  A year later, I saw it sitting there as I was walking outside to enjoy the spring weather the best way I know how….with hot tea and a book! As I began reading the book this time, every. single. word was exactly what I needed to hear. I now consider it my bible. Nearly every page is dog eared/highlighted/written in….talk about getting the lesson when you’re ready to learn!

Fast forward through a few more self-help books, a handful of years, lots of tears and several relationships. I’ve been divorced 3 years but just now really grasping the meaning of being broken open.  

My most recent relationship was without a doubt the most intense one of my life.  It was a short one, in the grand scheme of things, only a year and 3 months, but the depth of love I gave and felt were unmatched.  He was my home.  He was my “lobster” (supposedly they mate for life….or one year and 3 months in this case) ;) He was the ever elusive “one” that we all seek on some level. 

Or so I thought.

Without going into much detail, that relationship came to an extremely abrupt end.  Not only did it end unexpectedly, he was in a “facebook official” relationship merely 10 days later.  Believe me, I would love to just rant and rant about my feelings towards that situation, but that’s not the point of this writing today. Perhaps I’ll save that for another time.  :)

Today I want to focus on the being broken open part of this lesson.  And it is a lesson. The very best, most magical lesson I could have ever asked for.  It’s so cliche, but you really do find the blessing in the breaking.  Because my ex was my life…my future…when he was no longer there, I truly believe I died in some way.  I actually did pray for death for several days.  Dramatic much?  But really….my heart just gave up.  It went black.  I was never going to love again. I no longer believed in love or “the one”. In fact the thought of all that made me sick to my stomach.  I cried and ached and yelled and hated and grasped at ANY form of reality that could explain any of this. But in the end…there was nothing.  I was dead inside.  I was broken.  

Until…I broke WIDE OPEN.  

You see, there comes a moment during a painful time where you have to choose.  You choose to die and give up or you choose to live the brightest you ever could!  I dug deep. I turned to christian music for the first time in years. Not because I was specifically looking for God but because all the other dumb stations were about dating and love and putting a ring on it and that was just too barf-orama for me during that time.

The first song I heard was one by Casting Crowns called Just be held.  The lyrics that grabbed me and shook me awake were:

“So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held”

Man.  

I was vacuuming at the time. I remember it clearly.  I stopped dead in my tracks and just bawled my fool head off.  CLEAR OFF.  Bawled it right off my body.  I let the words sink in.  My world wasn’t falling apart….it was falling into place.  And i just needed to let GOD hold me.  And lemme tell ya…until then I was not exactly a “God person”.  Sure I sorta believed but it wasn’t until that moment that I accepted without any doubt whatsoever that he was there. And he was holding my broken pieces for me…waiting for me to be ready to be whole again.

Fast forward 7 months and not only have I picked those pieces up, I have fused them back together with the shiniest, most magical love of all time.  I finally found “the one” and it’s not who I ever expected.  But it’s exactly who I needed.

I personally believe that God is inside each of us, so when I fell in love with God again, I also fell in love with myself for the first time. You see, I had to…LITERALLY HAD TO… go through that amazing relationship and have it end in that EXACT SAME WAY for me to break apart and crack so open that all of me spilled out onto the floor so I could see myself for the very first time.  For really real.  

For realzies.

I saw the crazy. I saw the passion. I saw the “over-thinker” and the woman. I saw the child and the lover and I saw the real me and I fell madly in love with every single bit.  How could I not?  I’m the only me I have.  

Being Broken Open was the greatest gift of my life. Things are much different now. I feel like I was reborn.  I walk through the world much more aware of my feelings and I’m much more sensitive to emotions. I guard my heart a little more. I protect myself from negative people and people who want to use me for my good.  I feel more connected to this world and yet up above it at the same time.  I’m thankful for my journey and feel like the luckiest girl alive.  

I hope your breakdowns bring you blessings too. xoxo

Phases of a narcissistic relationship

I've recently become aware of something called a narcissist.  I hadn't previously known much about this disorder, and many times I wish I still didn't know about it.  But, the reality of it is that at some point in our lives we will come into contact with one and it's best to understand what it is and how it can affect us...as well as how to avoid it like the plague.

This could be a parent/child relationship, a working relationship, or a romantic relationship.  There are different kinds of narcissists as well, and it's important not to lump just anyone who has a big ego into this category.

It's also important to understand what about you led them to you (yes our energies attract this) and what in you was Ok with being treated the way you were/what was drawn to this personality type in the first place. I'll cover that in future articles.

In this article I am going to highlight the 3 phases of being in a relationship with a narcissist.  Unfortunately, you won't know you are in this kind of relationship unless you're in phase 2 or later.  Because stage one is so euphoric and "perfect", we people pleasers/fixers/dreamers tend to fall head over heals with this person in stage one.  But, sadly (or luckily, depending on how you view it), it won't last...

Phases of Narcissistic Relationships:

**The Idolization Phase** (aka "lovebombing")

They are hyper-vigilant in their pursuit and will project the perfect image that their victim wants them to be. They are excessively caring, loving and attentive at this stage. They shower their targets with attention, compliments and literally sweep them off their feet.  It is likely that you will be presented with gifts, trips, special thoughtful acts and they will make you feel like you are “their soul mate” or that “they’ve never loved anyone this way before.”  

Narcissists need approval and lots of it. And they need attention and lots of it. (you’ll find them on lots of social media/posting many selfies carefully crafting the image they want people to believe.) This “new supply” you are providing gives them this attention…for now…and they use it to their advantage.

**The Devaluation Stage**

They become moody and agitated easily, blaming you for even the slightest transgression. They pick on your insecurities and highlight them under the guise of “helping improve your life”. You find yourself walking on eggshells, trying to avoid arguments.  The narcissist will be heard saying things such as "You're the only person who misunderstands what I say. You're totally over-emotional” or "You're the only person in the world I have these problems with.” The gift giving fades away and the gaslighting begins (making you feel “crazy” for your beliefs and causing you to doubt your own reality) They are never wrong, and you find yourself apologizing for things that are not your fault.  You may begin to see red flags and sense you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, but most of the time you make excuses because “they are usually so loving” or “this only happens occasionally”.

**The Discard Phase**

It is almost baffling to watch the ease at which a narcissist can pull away from his partners. Many targets are left asking themselves, “Did he ever love me? Did I mean anything to him?” The narcissist discards you when your usefulness has run out. They are almost incapable of not being in a relationship and move on almost immediately, oftentimes before the other relationship has ended.  It will be as though the relationship never happened, and in some cases the narcissist will start discrediting the victim as a way to keep their “perfect” image in tact.  Remember, the narcissist is never to blame and will defend tooth and nail anything others deem inappropriate or wrong.

The ending of this kind of relationship can be very damaging and it's extremely important NOT to blame yourself or lower your self worth (especially if they moved on quickly with someone else).  It is very important to forgive yourself for "falling for it" and learn as much as you can to avoid it in the future.  Learn to LOVE YOUR DAMN SELF and get on with being amazing.  xo

Have you had experiences with a narcissistic relationship?  Comment below!