Touch me fall

Ok so that title has practically nothing to do with this particular blog, but I do have Indigo Girls playing on vinyl as I type this, so work with me here.  

To say I’ve had a pretty stressful month is quite the understatement. I can’t go into too many details but let’s just say it’s been bad.  Like, alcoholic-inducing, is 2018 trying to kill me bad.

I’ve been in somewhat of a fight or flight mode for weeks.  Running on air with no time to chill. I don’t know if it’s because I’m an only child or because I’m an introvert (or am i an introvert because i am an only child???) but I NEED my alone time.  Lots of it. Introverts, do ya feel me? It’s not like, “Ooh I just want to be home.” It’s literally I can’t function if I don’t recharge my batteries….at my own home….alone as can be.  As a single mom that’s hard enough most days. But these last few weeks have made it nearly impossible.

SO I decided a few days ago to make today a down day.  I had to cancel some plans and rearrange a few things but I was determined to have NO REASON to leave the house.  Of course that immediately means everyone and their grandma wants plans with me all of a sudden.  Including one guy I was supposed to go on a date with. We had rescheduled a few times already so I knew when I told him no (again) it would be an issue. And it was.  But I stuck to mah guns and said no anyway.  And holy shit am I glad I did.

For one thing, it was the best day ever. I got myself some starbucks. Grabbed some groceries.  Worked around the house a bit. Lit some candles. Listened to Indigo Girls and Patty Griffin on vinyl. Ordered an area rug. Read some much neglected books.  HEAVEN. 

And for two, he really showed his true colors as far as I’m concerned.  He knows what kind of stress I’ve been dealing with and anyone with a heart should have said, “I totally get it. You’ve been through a lot. I’m here if you need me” instead of cutting all ties/unfriending me like a big baby. A BIG baby, I tell ya. (Single ladies, watch for these kinds of red flags. They tell you a lot about what he’ll be like in the future.)

NO ONE should ever make you feel bad for taking some down time to regroup and reenergize.   In fact if someone truly cares about you they should recognize your need for it and make sure you’re getting it in.  Especially introverts. I truly believe realizing I was an introvert and then really focusing on allowing myself alone time on a regular basis has made all the difference in the world with my ability to cope with all the things. 

When we operate under constant stress, we're bound to burn out.  Taking some down time isn't just good for you, it helps you be your best for everyone around you.  It's a win-win if ever there was one.

So, take my advice and listen to your soul.  Pick a day.  Say no a whole bunch. (Do not feel guilty about it!) Do your favorite things. And breathe.  xoxo

Becoming a nutritionist made me bonkers.

Something has been heavy on my mind lately and I honestly haven’t been able to quite put it into cohesive words for a blog post. I am not 100% positive that’s even going to happen today, but it’s time to get them out anyway.

As you most likely know, I am a Master Nutrition Therapist. What does that mean exactly?  

Well, I’m glad you asked. 

It means I am super fucked up. 

Wut. 

Yeah, I said it. 

I got into nutrition to find THE ONE THING that would heal the world. I had small ambitions, okay???  But truly, I believed I’d find that thing. The magic answer.  

Guess what?

I didn’t.  

But also…I got TOO MANY answers. 

I don’t know where this is going. And I truly hope it doesn’t come across as whiney or bitchy or idiotic but hear me out.

I started my nutrition journey as a fat chick with a thyroid problem.  Hashimotos to be exact. 

I lost the weight through a weight loss place.  That wasn’t the big issue.  What kept me going was seeing the other people HEAL and DROP THEIR MEDS just with changing a few foods around and eliminating some.  

So, I went to school.  4 years of school. 

That’s a lot of learnin. From the cellular level up, I learned what makes the body tick. 

I also studied all those other diets.  Paleo. Vegan. pH balanced. This. That. And the other. 

They all have merits.  I have pretty much put myself on each and every one for various reasons, from my own personal health and weight goals to just sheer curiosity.  

But here’s where I got fucked up along the way somehow.  Now, if I try to diet or lose weight, I can’t FOR THE LIFE OF ME figure out what to do. 

My brain goes a little something like this when I start the process of eating healthier (this isn’t for the faint of heart.  Be strong and power through, I know my brain is a scary place…)

Me: My god woman.  Enough with the fruity pebbles.  These size 6 jeans might be holding in your ass now, but they’re about to bust. Just because they use that “curvy girl” magical fabric doesn’t mean you should test their limits!  Get yer ass to the gym and start eating healthy again!”

Also me: Yeah, you’re right.  Ok.  MONDAY I’ll start.  So, I’ll just eat clean. No more junk!

Me: Sounds like a plan.  Get that grocery list going.

Also me:  Chicken….ground turkey……greek yogurt…but wait.  According to my LEAP test results I can’t have chicken. Or turkey.  Or dairy.  

Me: Focus, girl.  At least it’s not Taco Bell.

Also me:  Right right right….ok….brown rice….quinoa….oats….but wait.  According to the paleo diet I shouldn’t have grains.

Me: My god.  

Also me:  FINE.  Berries….bananas….pineapple.  But wait.  According to the low carb diet I shouldn’t have…

Me: Oh for fucks sake.  

So you see.  I start a diet and then I give up because I get lost in finding the “right one”.  And I’ve actually had success on each and every one. I’ve lost weight on paleo. I’ve lost weight eating dairy twice a day. I’ve lost weight on low carb. I’ve lost weight on pH. I’ve lost weight doing all kinds of weird things.  But my biggest issue I guess is that I want it to work right now, without a doubt and I want the weight to fall off. So what’s the best one to do for that?  If I pick the wrong one I’ve wasted my time and who’s got time for that??

This is usually where I give up and then go hog wild eating whatever I want.  Because that makes total sense.  

I’m smart. I’m a good nutritionist. I know what to do for my clients. But for me, that inside voice gets me all wonky.  It’s a fear of some sort.  A fear of what?  Failing?  Giving up my favorite foods?  I am honestly not sure but I just need to throw a dart and pick a diet and stick to it no matter what that crack addict voice inside is telling me.  

Guess I better get my grocery list going.  

Spinach….romaine…fruity pebbles…. oops.  :)

Broken Open

I read my first Elizabeth Lesser book, Broken Open, about 10 years ago when my marriage was in the beginning stages of the end.  I fell madly in love with her words. They struck me right in the feels and spoke perfectly what I had been unable to put into words myself.  I went on to buy The Seeker’s Guide by Lesser as well, but it didn’t resonate with me at the time, it was like it was written in a foreign language, so I put it aside.  A year later, I saw it sitting there as I was walking outside to enjoy the spring weather the best way I know how….with hot tea and a book! As I began reading the book this time, every. single. word was exactly what I needed to hear. I now consider it my bible. Nearly every page is dog eared/highlighted/written in….talk about getting the lesson when you’re ready to learn!

Fast forward through a few more self-help books, a handful of years, lots of tears and several relationships. I’ve been divorced 3 years but just now really grasping the meaning of being broken open.  

My most recent relationship was without a doubt the most intense one of my life.  It was a short one, in the grand scheme of things, only a year and 3 months, but the depth of love I gave and felt were unmatched.  He was my home.  He was my “lobster” (supposedly they mate for life….or one year and 3 months in this case) ;) He was the ever elusive “one” that we all seek on some level. 

Or so I thought.

Without going into much detail, that relationship came to an extremely abrupt end.  Not only did it end unexpectedly, he was in a “facebook official” relationship merely 10 days later.  Believe me, I would love to just rant and rant about my feelings towards that situation, but that’s not the point of this writing today. Perhaps I’ll save that for another time.  :)

Today I want to focus on the being broken open part of this lesson.  And it is a lesson. The very best, most magical lesson I could have ever asked for.  It’s so cliche, but you really do find the blessing in the breaking.  Because my ex was my life…my future…when he was no longer there, I truly believe I died in some way.  I actually did pray for death for several days.  Dramatic much?  But really….my heart just gave up.  It went black.  I was never going to love again. I no longer believed in love or “the one”. In fact the thought of all that made me sick to my stomach.  I cried and ached and yelled and hated and grasped at ANY form of reality that could explain any of this. But in the end…there was nothing.  I was dead inside.  I was broken.  

Until…I broke WIDE OPEN.  

You see, there comes a moment during a painful time where you have to choose.  You choose to die and give up or you choose to live the brightest you ever could!  I dug deep. I turned to christian music for the first time in years. Not because I was specifically looking for God but because all the other dumb stations were about dating and love and putting a ring on it and that was just too barf-orama for me during that time.

The first song I heard was one by Casting Crowns called Just be held.  The lyrics that grabbed me and shook me awake were:

“So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held”

Man.  

I was vacuuming at the time. I remember it clearly.  I stopped dead in my tracks and just bawled my fool head off.  CLEAR OFF.  Bawled it right off my body.  I let the words sink in.  My world wasn’t falling apart….it was falling into place.  And i just needed to let GOD hold me.  And lemme tell ya…until then I was not exactly a “God person”.  Sure I sorta believed but it wasn’t until that moment that I accepted without any doubt whatsoever that he was there. And he was holding my broken pieces for me…waiting for me to be ready to be whole again.

Fast forward 7 months and not only have I picked those pieces up, I have fused them back together with the shiniest, most magical love of all time.  I finally found “the one” and it’s not who I ever expected.  But it’s exactly who I needed.

I personally believe that God is inside each of us, so when I fell in love with God again, I also fell in love with myself for the first time. You see, I had to…LITERALLY HAD TO… go through that amazing relationship and have it end in that EXACT SAME WAY for me to break apart and crack so open that all of me spilled out onto the floor so I could see myself for the very first time.  For really real.  

For realzies.

I saw the crazy. I saw the passion. I saw the “over-thinker” and the woman. I saw the child and the lover and I saw the real me and I fell madly in love with every single bit.  How could I not?  I’m the only me I have.  

Being Broken Open was the greatest gift of my life. Things are much different now. I feel like I was reborn.  I walk through the world much more aware of my feelings and I’m much more sensitive to emotions. I guard my heart a little more. I protect myself from negative people and people who want to use me for my good.  I feel more connected to this world and yet up above it at the same time.  I’m thankful for my journey and feel like the luckiest girl alive.  

I hope your breakdowns bring you blessings too. xoxo

The wonky (but authentic) nutritionist.

Y'all already know I'm a nutritionist.  That's not a surprise.  But there's lots of things about me that you don't know. Like my love for fruity pebbles, for instance.

<insert gasps, shock, and horror>

Yes, you read that correctly.  A nutritionist....who also loves junk food.  On occasion, people, settle down.  ;) 

You can throw a dart and find a "perfect" nutritionist.

You can see super skinny, salad eating health coaches all day long, if ya search the right hashtags. 

But between you and me…I’m kinda over that.  

And I don't believe in it anyway. It's fake and unrealistic and honestly, potentially damaging. We find ourselves striving to be PERFECT like our favorite health gurus, but I gotta tell ya....even they aren't practicing what they preach as often as you think. They just hide it better.  Trust me.

Of course, I too have had many days where I caved into "oh dear god my life is a mess so let's eat a big mac and pretend it will all go away" but those don't make it to social media. Because that would be wrong.  

Right? 

I mean, a nutritionist...who also loves junk food.  On occasion.  ;) That's unacceptable. That's inconceivable. 

Sooo, I marched to the tune of those other drummers, so as not to upset the masses. I put on my nutritionist hat and said, "Oh, but look at this here perfect, healthy meal!” instead of fessing up to my fast food faileo. I tried to be what I thought I was supposed to be. 

But between you and me, I'm kinda over that. 

I’m ready to let my freaky foodie flag fly once and for all. ;) I’ll be bringing you a nutritionist’s eye view on all my food adventures.  If it's a bowl of fruity pebbles, so be it. If it's about the delightful quinoa rosemary salad I just whipped up on a whim, darn tootin! If it's a flopped batch of macarons fresh from the oven, woohoo! If it’s a vacation to a new city and all the fun tasty treats I experience there…even bettah! I’ll put my own unique “Whole to Healthy” spin on it, but what I won't be doing...pretending to be something I'm not...trying to fit into a weird mold that is probably in my own head.

First of all, I don't deserve to live a life that’s not authentic in ALL aspects of my life.  And you don't deserve a half-assed human masquerading as a full assed nutritionist.  So to speak.  ;) 

I am extremely knowledgable in nutrition. I am an expert at making healthy meals taste and look AMAZING.  I know my way around the kitchen, and I have proven myself many times as a healer of sorts.  But I am so much more, and you are so much more. Why stop at just the “good” stuff? Why not revel in all the glory of the messy disasters too? Besides… your nutrition is only PART of what makes you healthy.  It's only a FRACTION of what makes you WHOLE.  Our total health is complicated and messy and wonderful, just like life, and I want to be along for YOUR ride.  I want to help you find that MIND.BODY.SOUL balance that seems illusive but is just around the corner, my friends.  

My "title" as nutritionist is only a tiny bit of what makes me a human. I hope you’ll see that my realness is just what you’ve been needing.  That I can also be a friend.  A coach.  An inspiration to authenticity. 

I have faults. I have issues. I have passions that may not make sense. And I love fruity pebbles as well as roasted parsnips and kale chips.  

I will write all my posts from the perspective of healing and wholeness, and my favorite emotion: happiness.  Because regardless of where you are now or where you want to go, the end destination is always happiness.  And we will get there together, through the wonky, the emotional, the ups the downs, the cheetos, the kale smoothies....all of it.  Because our lives are complicated and messy but oh what fun it will be to feed our happy and find HEALTH THROUGH HAPPINESS. And health through authenticity.

If any of this resonated with you...stay tuned. I've got a few fun tricks up my sleeve. If it didn't, that's fine too.  I want you to find the nutritionist/guru/healer that speaks to you MOST.  Even if (especially if!) that ends up being yourself. :)

I’d love for you to leave a comment!  And, if you'd like to be interviewed for my new PODCAST....whether you're just a regular ol’ health seeking foodie, or a fellow nutritionist with a sweet tooth...I wanna chat!  Let's get this conversation started and flip this whole nutrition thing on it's head.  

Because between you and me....I'm just gettin started.  xoxo

Phases of a narcissistic relationship

I've recently become aware of something called a narcissist.  I hadn't previously known much about this disorder, and many times I wish I still didn't know about it.  But, the reality of it is that at some point in our lives we will come into contact with one and it's best to understand what it is and how it can affect us...as well as how to avoid it like the plague.

This could be a parent/child relationship, a working relationship, or a romantic relationship.  There are different kinds of narcissists as well, and it's important not to lump just anyone who has a big ego into this category.

It's also important to understand what about you led them to you (yes our energies attract this) and what in you was Ok with being treated the way you were/what was drawn to this personality type in the first place. I'll cover that in future articles.

In this article I am going to highlight the 3 phases of being in a relationship with a narcissist.  Unfortunately, you won't know you are in this kind of relationship unless you're in phase 2 or later.  Because stage one is so euphoric and "perfect", we people pleasers/fixers/dreamers tend to fall head over heals with this person in stage one.  But, sadly (or luckily, depending on how you view it), it won't last...

Phases of Narcissistic Relationships:

**The Idolization Phase** (aka "lovebombing")

They are hyper-vigilant in their pursuit and will project the perfect image that their victim wants them to be. They are excessively caring, loving and attentive at this stage. They shower their targets with attention, compliments and literally sweep them off their feet.  It is likely that you will be presented with gifts, trips, special thoughtful acts and they will make you feel like you are “their soul mate” or that “they’ve never loved anyone this way before.”  

Narcissists need approval and lots of it. And they need attention and lots of it. (you’ll find them on lots of social media/posting many selfies carefully crafting the image they want people to believe.) This “new supply” you are providing gives them this attention…for now…and they use it to their advantage.

**The Devaluation Stage**

They become moody and agitated easily, blaming you for even the slightest transgression. They pick on your insecurities and highlight them under the guise of “helping improve your life”. You find yourself walking on eggshells, trying to avoid arguments.  The narcissist will be heard saying things such as "You're the only person who misunderstands what I say. You're totally over-emotional” or "You're the only person in the world I have these problems with.” The gift giving fades away and the gaslighting begins (making you feel “crazy” for your beliefs and causing you to doubt your own reality) They are never wrong, and you find yourself apologizing for things that are not your fault.  You may begin to see red flags and sense you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, but most of the time you make excuses because “they are usually so loving” or “this only happens occasionally”.

**The Discard Phase**

It is almost baffling to watch the ease at which a narcissist can pull away from his partners. Many targets are left asking themselves, “Did he ever love me? Did I mean anything to him?” The narcissist discards you when your usefulness has run out. They are almost incapable of not being in a relationship and move on almost immediately, oftentimes before the other relationship has ended.  It will be as though the relationship never happened, and in some cases the narcissist will start discrediting the victim as a way to keep their “perfect” image in tact.  Remember, the narcissist is never to blame and will defend tooth and nail anything others deem inappropriate or wrong.

The ending of this kind of relationship can be very damaging and it's extremely important NOT to blame yourself or lower your self worth (especially if they moved on quickly with someone else).  It is very important to forgive yourself for "falling for it" and learn as much as you can to avoid it in the future.  Learn to LOVE YOUR DAMN SELF and get on with being amazing.  xo

Have you had experiences with a narcissistic relationship?  Comment below!

To die for cobb salad!

Here's just a quick post for the cobb salad I just posted today on instagram and facebook.  It's not really a recipe, per se, but the details might at least help you recreate it yourself!  It hit the spot.  :)

Ingredients:
Romaine lettuce/spinach
Hard boiled egg
Grilled chicken and venison
Avocado
Bacon
Tomatoes
Toasted, slivered almonds (a very key component, I must say!)
Green olives
Green onions
Black pepper

And that's pretty much it for the salad. Use whatever quantities of each you'd like.

I also made a quick sugar-free honey (well, honey-less) mustard dressing too!  I didn't measure (of course, ugh) but it's approximately:

1 T. yellow mustard
1 t. Rice wine vinegar
1-2 t. mayo
3-4 drops of plain liquid stevia (to taste!)
Lots of cracked pepper
And then I slowly drizzled in walnut oil until consistency and amount was right.  I think it was probably 1-2 T or so but it only made enough for one salad, so don't add too much! :)

Enjoy! xo

Depression and hitting the lottery

From the recent newsletter :  

Hey y’all!  Did ya miss me??? ;)  

I swear I did NOT fall off the face of the earth, but I sure tried to. 

Let me backtrack a bit…

You might recall I started this thing called the LEAP protocol about a month or so before Christmas.  As you know, if you’ve been reading these newsletters, I did amazing on it.  I lost 15 pounds in 5 weeks and many of my health issues that had been plaguing me vanished. 

But, as humans do, I struggled with the temptations of the holidays. And I fell victim to stress!  

>> Holy balls, it was stressful this year. <<

I am a single mom now.  And in addition to trying to grow my nutrition business, primarily raising two kids, care for two pets and manage a household, I run a seasonal company that gets super busy during the holidays.  I am also working part time to help support these crazy kids, and in the meantime attempting to be healthy by exercising and cooking everything from scratch! Oh, and I really, really hate winter. So you can say I lost my marbles a bit and ate my face off for a few weeks, thinking I’d hop right back on the LEAP train after the holidays were over.  

But the holidays came and went and I was getting deeper and deeper into depression. Like, woah. If you saw the video I posted on my facebook page, you already know I had become pretty suicidal.  It got really bad.  I wanted desperately to just end my “horrible” life. Of course logically I knew it would pass, but when you get into that dark of a space, it doesn’t matter. You can really only feel sad and worthless. You don’t want to talk to anyone. You don’t want anyone to help you.  I was convinced that I was a waste of breath and I actually found myself mad at my kids because they were what was preventing me from following through with it.  

Yep.  

My finances sucked. My romantic relationships were in the shitter. I was betrayed by someone I deeply loved and trusted. I had gained some weight back and didn’t think I’d ever get back on track. I was getting nowhere with my business. I was cold and miserable and my kids were eating Doritos for breakfast.  What was the point of going on? I was clearly failing at all the things.

But.

But…

There was that damn voice inside me. Telling me crazy shit like, “It’s all going to be fine.  I’ve got you.” and “You’re amazing and capable and need to be alive so you can change the world.”  I tried to ignore the voice as best as I could. I drank. I ate. I cried. I slept.  But, in the long run, obviously, that inner voice won. 

>> That fucker is relentless. << 

I finally got the courage to see my doctor. You should know that I am NOT a fan of prescription drugs.  I only take a natural thyroid medication and normally would recommend doing everything possible to avoid going on prescriptions (in fact, part of my work as a nutritionist is to get people OFF their medications), however, in this case it was literally life or death.   I started taking a new medication for anxiety and depression and within a week I was starting to breathe again. I wasn’t suffocating under my own heaviness anymore.  I started going to the gym.  I managed to get there 5 days, despite still struggling a little and hating the cold weather.  One week became two, and then two became three and next thing you know my business is on fire, my finances took a miraculous (i’m talking MIRACLES here, people) turn for the better, i’m back to losing weight, my personal relationships are better than EVER and my kids are only eating Doritos as snacks now. (hey! baby steps, people!) 

Once the deep depression subsided, I remember at one point I was lying on the bathroom floor, just allowing all the feelings to wash over me. And, I started cry-laughing hysterically. 

>> I wondered if I had officially gone crazy.  <<

Or had I just had the biggest realization of my life?  This overwhelming feeling of peace hit me like a ton of bricks and I remember thinking..no, KNOWING….that God (universe...divine...whatever you want to call it) has me. He’s holding me tight. Always has. Always will. And I can let go now.

Trust.

Love.

Be.

Everything is working out SO much better than I could have ever dreamed!

Happiness.

Faith.

Gratitude.

Now that the dust has settled and I’m on a regular schedule at the gym, I started back on the LEAP protocol.  I truly did feel amazing on it.  And I’m still studying to get certified as a LEAP therapist. So that’s all still a go!  But sometimes you just need to pause. Slow down and catch your breath.  And once you’re ready…hop back on that train.  

P.S. What's the lottery got to do with anything??, I didn't hit the lottery, but lately my life sure feels like I did!  Happiness, love, amazing friends, beautiful opportunities and a rich life full of magic….feels like hitting the lottery to me!  ;)