I read my first Elizabeth Lesser book, Broken Open, about 10 years ago when my marriage was in the beginning stages of the end. I fell madly in love with her words. They struck me right in the feels and spoke perfectly what I had been unable to put into words myself. I went on to buy The Seeker’s Guide by Lesser as well, but it didn’t resonate with me at the time, it was like it was written in a foreign language, so I put it aside. A year later, I saw it sitting there as I was walking outside to enjoy the spring weather the best way I know how….with hot tea and a book! As I began reading the book this time, every. single. word was exactly what I needed to hear. I now consider it my bible. Nearly every page is dog eared/highlighted/written in….talk about getting the lesson when you’re ready to learn!
Fast forward through a few more self-help books, a handful of years, lots of tears and several relationships. I’ve been divorced 3 years but just now really grasping the meaning of being broken open.
My most recent relationship was without a doubt the most intense one of my life. It was a short one, in the grand scheme of things, only a year and 3 months, but the depth of love I gave and felt were unmatched. He was my home. He was my “lobster” (supposedly they mate for life….or one year and 3 months in this case) ;) He was the ever elusive “one” that we all seek on some level.
Or so I thought.
Without going into much detail, that relationship came to an extremely abrupt end. Not only did it end unexpectedly, he was in a “facebook official” relationship merely 10 days later. Believe me, I would love to just rant and rant about my feelings towards that situation, but that’s not the point of this writing today. Perhaps I’ll save that for another time. :)
Today I want to focus on the being broken open part of this lesson. And it is a lesson. The very best, most magical lesson I could have ever asked for. It’s so cliche, but you really do find the blessing in the breaking. Because my ex was my life…my future…when he was no longer there, I truly believe I died in some way. I actually did pray for death for several days. Dramatic much? But really….my heart just gave up. It went black. I was never going to love again. I no longer believed in love or “the one”. In fact the thought of all that made me sick to my stomach. I cried and ached and yelled and hated and grasped at ANY form of reality that could explain any of this. But in the end…there was nothing. I was dead inside. I was broken.
Until…I broke WIDE OPEN.
You see, there comes a moment during a painful time where you have to choose. You choose to die and give up or you choose to live the brightest you ever could! I dug deep. I turned to christian music for the first time in years. Not because I was specifically looking for God but because all the other dumb stations were about dating and love and putting a ring on it and that was just too barf-orama for me during that time.
The first song I heard was one by Casting Crowns called Just be held. The lyrics that grabbed me and shook me awake were:
“So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held”
Man.
I was vacuuming at the time. I remember it clearly. I stopped dead in my tracks and just bawled my fool head off. CLEAR OFF. Bawled it right off my body. I let the words sink in. My world wasn’t falling apart….it was falling into place. And i just needed to let GOD hold me. And lemme tell ya…until then I was not exactly a “God person”. Sure I sorta believed but it wasn’t until that moment that I accepted without any doubt whatsoever that he was there. And he was holding my broken pieces for me…waiting for me to be ready to be whole again.
Fast forward 7 months and not only have I picked those pieces up, I have fused them back together with the shiniest, most magical love of all time. I finally found “the one” and it’s not who I ever expected. But it’s exactly who I needed.
I personally believe that God is inside each of us, so when I fell in love with God again, I also fell in love with myself for the first time. You see, I had to…LITERALLY HAD TO… go through that amazing relationship and have it end in that EXACT SAME WAY for me to break apart and crack so open that all of me spilled out onto the floor so I could see myself for the very first time. For really real.
For realzies.
I saw the crazy. I saw the passion. I saw the “over-thinker” and the woman. I saw the child and the lover and I saw the real me and I fell madly in love with every single bit. How could I not? I’m the only me I have.
Being Broken Open was the greatest gift of my life. Things are much different now. I feel like I was reborn. I walk through the world much more aware of my feelings and I’m much more sensitive to emotions. I guard my heart a little more. I protect myself from negative people and people who want to use me for my good. I feel more connected to this world and yet up above it at the same time. I’m thankful for my journey and feel like the luckiest girl alive.
I hope your breakdowns bring you blessings too. xoxo
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